not quite there yet…

i have always been one of those people that is quite energetic, not so much physically, but mostly psychologically, my mind is always working, when I am doing something, in my mind I am already planning the next 10 things to do… so it comes as no surprise to me that I constantly require excitement or challenge in my life. But are relationships the right way to get these?
don’t all relationships eventually grow steady and stable and have reduced excitement and challenge? is it a case that because I expect them I actually do not provide them? are relationships supposed to also be entertaining?
why are people together? what is this need to feel a body, the heat, the warmth, the smell?
why can’t we all be really good friends? why does the heart become so weak at the sight of certain and determined people? do we choose who to love or does love choose us?
are people meant to be or they just are because they need to?

i question because i didn’t do it before and I know i need to. i have certain certainties that are scary and therefore i need to question, i need to understand what is it all about. i have this feeling of being powerful and powerless at the same time. I feel weak and strong and for the first time I truly feel protected but maybe this is not the protection i wish for?

i believe in destiny and i believe that certain people come from a place where they get tags placed at birth that determine who they belong with. Many would say they have that case, most are wrong for they are nothing like made for each other. Most are with who they feel comfortable with… but there are the lucky few… not the ones that have the passionate and crazy relationships, not the ones that have been together forever and follow all the right steps, not the ones that are loud and show off, and not the ones that break plates when they argue, in fact there is no recipe when it comes to love and relationships… for all i know and care people that belong together change each other for the better, the rest will be forever stuck!

so sometimes we will have to deal with lack of excitement and progress! sometimes we will doubt, sometimes we will question too much, and in times, given that you have found your tagged other half, there is nothing to worry about apart from the very small details, the ones that we didn’t even notice in the first place, the ones that make them different from us, the ones that may annoy us so much that we must find out why and try to find the balance within ourselves, because surely, they are not that serious!

so live a day at a time and enjoy who you have for what they are best at, you wouldn’t want them to see you only for your worse side…
only a few of us have the luck of finding people that make us better and who we have the same effect on… it’s not a good idea to let them escape, certain good things only come around once!

most people don’t want to look back, and they think they are looking ahead…

i don’t look back all the time but i have done, and if i hadn’t i wouldn’t be going forward never mind looking ahead…

it’s a funny thing the future because no matter what, no one can predict it and if there is something i have learnt is to never take anything for granted, the good and the bad things!

i don’t look back at anything with regret or frustration simply because it brought me here right where i am today! and boy, has this been a journey! of course it is not and it is far from being the end of the road but it not longer seems foggy… i have realized that in order to know yourself you need to open up and give yourself to know to others… in reality you are what you give and what you let others see - your fantasies, your demons, your thoughts and feelings only have a chance of becoming reality if they are shared and made known…

so when you ask me, my darling not to go back to the past, i won’t if it bothers you. but i am not going back to the past, it is not only impossible but is also against my wish as the present feels right! but the past made me who i am today, not only the past that you don’t want to hear about but all of it, the whole 26 years of existence! had things happened in a different way, better or worse, you might have not been able to request that i do not do so! i might not see you and appreciate you the way i do because i would have never been able to see as far as i do now!

what is important is where we are today… and today like for the past few months you have made me smile and enjoy life and most importantly i have always been myself as i believe you have too…

so in reality we are sure of the past because we have lived it, we are pretty confident with the present (although sometimes it does feel like pinching myself), as for the future we can only dream and perhaps share it in the hope that it will come true… in the end, my darling, it all comes together!

how you wake up everyday says a lot about you and your life…

there are times that waking up seems like the worst idea ever… why? because you have to face the world, the reality that at the time may not be as cosy and safe as your bed…

there was one day, a while ago, when I woke up and everything around me was very different, was totally opposite to what waking up had been just the morning before!  Slowly it started to sink in that I would never wake up in the same way I had for so long… my reality had changed!

since then waking up became a series of stages - in the beginning it was my challenge, the challenge that I had to get out of bed and get on with it, create my reality again, put my feet on the ground… soon it became a routine, normality… there were times that waking up was part of excitement as life starts to brighten up and the world is a little bit better, a little bit warmer, the difference in temperature between bed and outside of it is not frightening as it used to be! a few days ago waking up took me back to that same day when I looked around and everything had changed… and I was glad and relieved! I was glad that I was waking up to something that was also new and unknown but something that felt so right… if it is right or not I don’t know and I suppose it does not really matter now, it just made all the other awakenings worth it!

I look at the photos on the board in my bedroom and they seriously need to be changed!

Some will stay, they will stay forever, they have always belonged there… isn’t it funny how life keeps changing and changing you?!

There is one, that is my favourite, my parents walking down the street in the 60’s! My mum was defenitely younger than I am now… how can we be so different? Our lives are worlds apart! Did she immagine then that her life would be like it turned out to be? Did she expect it to be better or worse?

Will I someday be looking at my own photo from now and think that what I wanted right now turned out to be very different?! Someone told me the other day that it is good to know what you want in life, otherwise you wouldn’t get anything!

It is funny how this small sentence from an almost total stranger made so much sense to me! There was a time when I was going with the flow, and although my feelings were real, I wasn’t thinking of what I really wanted from life and that is exactly what I got… nothing! I am so glad now that it turned out the way it did that it is even hard to express…

Thinking that I am someone who has always taken risks actually comes into a new perspective now… and I guess that is what the last year has been teaching me… the fact that having had a bad outcome when taking a risk does not necessarily mean that I must stop doing it!

So I guess I have been playing it safe for almost two years now… I guess that I am looking way ahead because it took it too much day by day before… how balanced must one be??? Or better still, how balanced can one be???

It seems that I always need to over-analyze everything… and these situations keep on being thrown at me… spontaneity…

Can I do it again? Can I enjoy that same pleasure that was so responsible for turning my life upside down?! I guess I have to understand that it was not spontaneity that did it, if anything spontaneity took me closer to something that was very strong and real at the time…

Is it time to get a little bit more of my old self back?

sometimes you have to put an end to something that has never started… the hard part of doing this is that you will always be thinking how it would have been if it did start…

sometimes there are things that are not meant to start but that does not mean that they are not meant to end…

sometimes you just have to look inside yourself and be true to your feelings, and mostly to understand what you are about and what is reality and what is illusion…

sometimes it takes a whole year to say goodbye to something you have never acknowledged in the first place but it may also take a whole year for you to hear the words you wanted to hear a year ago when someone truly special crossed your path…

sometimes you can be happy and sad at the same time…

this is when you are truly living your own life… looking in and making it happen… new endings are usually new beginnings…

Marigolds are the white flowers so famous for their predictive power of ‘loves me, loves me not’… although, who made the rule that it shouldn’t start ‘does not love me, loves me’ and then it would always be the other way around wouldn’t it?

One could write a book as deep and long as the Bible when it comes to types of people and we always seem to start with ‘there are two types of people…’well actually, there aren’t only two types of people, maybe most categories have only two types, but how many categories are there?!

Anyway, I will link the marigolds with the types of people.

I have just found a very particular type of person (which hopefully is a unique case in the world!) who is the opposite of the marigold. The tradition with the marigold is that you pick it up and take off the petals one by one, each petal corresponds to a certain loved one loving you or not, now if the last petal is a yes, then you are lucky, if it is a no then your romance is doomed… I have met someone who is looking for the ‘unlucky’ petal and doing everything on what he thinks it’s his power to destroy the possibility of a lucky petal… the problem is that he has not realized that actually he has not built anything yet in order to be able to destroy it in the first place!!! Instead he is just being perceived as someone who is a compulsive/repulsive attention seeker (this is my classification), someone that wants attention when they don’t have it and that once they get even a ‘wee bit’ of it repulses it because it is no longer a need!

I have also learned that the say ‘it is meant to be’ makes a lot of sense. I am meant to be my parents child, my siblings sister and my nieces aunt. I am most probably meant to be my best friend’s best friend and friend with my friends… I believe in fate up to a certain degree… now I have crossed paths with the anti-marigold-compulsive/repulsive-attention-seeker who is also the person that is NOT meant to be, and I guess I have never thought of anyone that way, but once you have tried several approaches to that person and still it does not work, you are clearly a ‘not meant to be’… anything, not even accquaintaces for that also takes a certain degree of attention paid/given.

Never to late to meet a new type, ah?

i had this strange feeling of relief recently… i was not sure what i was relieved about since i was not aware that something was worrying me…

i then realized that a weekend away in beautiful Scotland, with loving people (and perhaps a virus to make the body and mind weak) was the culmination that i needed to finally figure out my re-defined self… the self that first started this blog not knowing where to go or if it was actually going anywhere to start with…

this same self came a long way since it started this journey, it has learned that actually heartbreak is not vaccination and that it is possible several times within a lifetime, no matter how serious previous ‘conditions’ may have been; it has come to terms with reality of wants and needs, and most importantly with what it does not want or need; it has experienced friendship in forms and shapes that were not expected but it has also learned that it can not save the world or take care of others if it does not take care of itself; it has determined when to be selfless and when to be selfish… there was a missing piece, the coldness, or better said, the incapacity to warm up to people or showing feelings…

so actually i guess i was worried about this, or maybe too aware that there is an element of sweetness and warmth which iused to possess which is now so rare if not to say almost inexistent… and the explanation is plain to see… if you dedicate so much of yourself to someone, loving them deeply, selfless love really… and in the end you are accused of being weak, then surely, unconsciently, you will associate being un-loving with being strong! and yes, it is imperative to be strong because otherwise this lost self would have never even attempted to find the road for the journey… now it is a matter of finding the balance!

last week i literally stumbled into things that i just had a ‘need’ to find, a particular book, a restaurant, and a random hand reader who stopped my appalling attempt of explaining my recent learnings regarding my own hand… his advise was the following: ‘you have a man who will love you a lot, but he will not take care of you until you face your destiny!’ … that should be easy, facing my destiny!!!

will my destiny be going along the road walking hand in hand with my voodoo doll? where does one find their destiny?! If someone could help, I am up for facing it!

P.S.  Very comfortable (NOT) to see that someone is googling my name and surname and obviously reaching this site…

tonight is difficult to put into words… but I will try my best!

I had a salad for dinner and quite a lot of beer… ended up at Notting Hill Arts Club which was not sounding very promising tonight and that’s what I wanted - a place to go in my skinny jeans and favorite-absolutely-flat trainers, just to have a relaxed drink with my best friend!

It ended up being one of the best nights so far! And I wasn’t in a very good mood… but that I will keep for the end.

Never in my life have I been in a place so relaxed and with such good music. We just couldn’t stop ourselves from dancing, even when our clothes were glued to our bodies. I take my hat off to the live singer who accompanied the DJ and thrashed the ‘rapper’, she was absolutely amazing, her voice, her performance and her over 3 hours endurance! Funk Royal not to be missed ever at the Notting Hill Arts Club!

As the night was dying and tiredness started to sink in here is the highlight of the evening - in comes a guy dressed in Borat’s swimmsuit!!! I am not joking or exaggerating! The dude was walking around the club with the ‘g-string’ swimmsuit as worn at Borat but in blue and the other significant difference was that while Sasha kept ‘everything’ in, he actually had his ‘bells’ hanging out! I cannot describe how astonishing and funny the whole situation was, particularly with him being so serious and relaxed and the staff taking pictures before having security kicking him out! I know I have been part of a scene that does not take place often (hopefully) and it was absolutely hilarious!

As for the mood I suppose I just have to realize pure reality! I need to come to terms with what I actually want and what I expect! I have tried to be this person who is made of steel and in many ways I know I am. I know that life goes on no matter what in the most pure sense of it! And it keeps me going without looking back. But it does not help with tomorrow. Today I had quite a strange day when I realised that, actually, it is not ok! I want more. I don’t want the words or the title, I don’t want to feel safe or in a stable situation, all I want is to be wanted and admired and I want to feel the same back!

So, you asked me a few days ago what would I write about you. All I told you was that you were my ‘male’ version, which is true and scary! But the difference is that I protect myself from others, until the day that I find someone who inspires me enough trust and breaks the cicle, it could have been you… you, on the other hand, are protecting yourself from yourself and that, I cannot change, no one can! The same way I got here you will have to get to this same place by yourself as I have been there and I know it is not easy even to acknowledge it… I wish I could be the one to take you out of that but I can’t, you don’t give me a chance and… I am defending myself from others at the moment and you’re the first on the list of this cathegory!

So maybe you will never get to know this, or maybe you will, I don’t know… anyway, this is what I am writing about you on the blog, just as you asked… but this is the last time I will ever do anything you ask, so this is my goodbye to you!!!

beautiful sunday afternoon! i know this week is going to be ‘hell’ at work and that for the next month until i finally get my ‘well deserved’ 2 weeks holiday in Thailand, life is going to be upside down with work and traveling and most probably a lot of emotional crisis taking place in the house… i can just see it coming!

so… nothing better than a magazine, a blanket, some juice, fruit and plenty of sweets and a friend in St. James Park!

it was truly relaxing… it did also remind me of a movie called ‘Scenes of a Sexual Nature’, although we were only checking out (as you do!) everyone around us and making all types of assumptions based on our extended experience on checking out people!

after three ours of stuffing ourselves with sweets and chocolates, a delicious Magnum white, and when the people around us had all been ‘labeled’ we decided to go to the coffee shop (as good portuguese we always start and end an event with coffee!).

as i seat down i had one of those moments (those that guys have every Friday and Saturday night when they had over 3 pints of beer) and just saw THE BOY!

no, he didn’t look like Olivier Martinez or Adrien Grenier (although if anyone knows which parks they usually go to i would really love to know) but there was just something about him that made me want to look at him… of course with my good luck, he wasn’t on his own, or with his dog (which would have been the perfect situation) he was with… his parents!

so, i feel 14 again and sneaking looks at a boy as i did when i went on holiday with my parents (of course they could see!!!) how embarrassing!!!

worst was the moment when he picked up a paper napkin and i promise, that for a few seconds, i actually had the hope that he was going to send me a note!

of course he wasn’t… he was blowing his nose!!!

so, i guess i have regressed in maturity and that i may have to be more selective with the movies i see as i think that romantic comedies maybe brainwashing me!