remember your first love? or the person (probably little boy or girl you first liked)? it was shuttering wasn’t it? and the next one was worse and the next and the next…
it’s the heart! when you come to this world all you get is a mending kit, sort of those plaster packs you buy at boots, and all the other reputable retailers, with several different sizes of plasters!
so you start by mending your heart with the small thin and narrow plaster, you probably will use quite a few of these as the cut is short but getting deeper and deeper, eventually… it may even be that you don’t run out of plasters, but these may not be enough, so you get yourself proper dressing, this is not a cut, these are bruises and cuts and the muscle was torn apart, this time, you think, you won’t survive! it is actually physically painful but, there is a certainty that helps on the healing process - you will never feel as bad as that again, it’s not possible! you know and you will make sure that your heart will never be ‘ran over by a truck again’! and it probably won’t, barriers and rationalism are your best friends now!
then… alas that the unexpected happens - your poor-mended-stomped-on-just-recovered-from-being-ran-over-by-a-plane-while-taking-off-heart is stolen! and now what?
i am quite good at mending, sorting, organizing and even trying to save the world (i am a virgo after all!) and i am particularly experienced at running away but, there is no one worse than me when it comes to go searching, to look, to find, to come forward… even if i know exactly where it is!
so… how do i live without a heart as it was cleverly and charmingly stolen from me and with my voodoo doll being dragged around the planet?
the thief? another story… one that will most probably never be told.
while the portuguese were getting terribly drunk and the brazilian went to the streets to ’samba’, the ‘we are londoners’ community went to the office at 9am like every other day, turned on the computer and listened to PANCAKE DAY CELEBRATIONS all day on the radio!!!
i suppose this is why we get paid better here… no one knows what Carnival means here…
how do i tell you, without telling you directly and sounding presumptuous, my darling, that i know very well how it feels, more than i could ever put into words?
how do i tell you that i know that it will never be the same, not for me, not for you and not because of each other?
how do i tell you that there was this ‘divine’ reason behind it? fools call it destiny and people like me call it f… destiny! maybe you call it the same (if i am lucky) or you don’t even think about it (which is probably the case!).
did i find you? or did you find me? what was it? who looked first? did i find you, with no clue at the time of course, because i could see in your eyes the same i saw on my own mirror for so long? or did you find me because you saw the eyes of someone who planted her roots far too deep, and without realizing it either, you knew i came from the same place?
the irony is, you will never know, no matter how many times you read this (if you read it at all) that it is you who i am talking about…
you will never realize that i am ‘talking’ to you and telling you that now, life is a whole different challenge, it is not about someone else any longer, it’s not about the world, it’s about you and what surrounds you. it’s about finding someone or something so deep that you know, you know it was worth going through it all… you would never be able to appreciate it unless you did… same way i would never be able to appreciate me or you or the world around me if i hadn’t had my fair share!
there is no happiness, or contentment even, with anything else less than extraordinary… and if it was already like that before, it becomes even more difficult as i realize that extraordinary also means having been in the same place in life, that place where maybe a lot of people have been but many haven’t paid attention. it’s the place where you have to survive within your own heart and mind, the place where you exhaust yourself every single minute of the day to be yourself again…. until you realize that, you are yourself, you have always been, but you have changed… so the difficulty lies in reaching deep down your own heart and mind and re-discovering that same self who never stopped existing, it has just been re-defined!
imagine how life is… i am telling you all this for a reason, probably quite a selfish one, although it won’t seem like that to any one else besides me and definetely not to you because you have no clue this is for you.
do you think i ever imagined i would ever be capable of writing this before? will you believe me if i ‘tell’ you that for so long i never thought i would ‘exist’ again?!
i know, with no doubt, that you will be fine… better than before!
now, i have to dig deep inside myself again and find some answers… did i write all this because you crossed my path? did i ‘find’ myself because i’ve found you, even if it was just for a brief moment? or, did i find you because i found myself?
ironic, isn’t it? i was just going on about finding one self and it seems like this all text reverts to you in the end!
‘i have so often dreamed of you that you become unreal.
is it still time to reach that living body and to kiss on that mouth the birth of the voice so dear to me?
i have so often dreamed of you that my arms used as they are to meet on my breast in embracing your shadow would perhaps not fit the contour of your body.
and, before the real appearance of what has haunted and ruled me for days and years, i might become only a shadow.
oh the weighing of sentiment.
i have so often dreamed of you that there is probably no time now to waken. i sleep standing, my body exposed to all the appearances of life and love and you, who alone still matter to me, i could less easily touch your forehead and your lips than the first lips and the first forehead i might meet by chance.
i have so often dreamed of you, walked, spoken, slept with your phantom that perhaps i can be nothing any longer than a phantom among phantoms and hundred times more shadow than the shadow which walks and will walk joyously over the sundial of your life.’